20 Rounds of Schwarzenegger vs Stallone (part one)

They’ve worked with action masters the caliber of Cameron, Verhoeven, McTeirnan, Harlin, Donner and, um, George P. Cosmatos.  But who is actually the best?

During Arnold’s sortie into politics, Sly mounted an impressive comeback with Rocky Balboa (dignified), Rambo (bloodthirsty) and The Expendables (disappointing, but fun). And when you take into account he also has writing and directing strings to his bow, the Italian Stallion obviously has the scales weighed heavily on his side.

But this isn't about range.  My focus here is on performances (note the avoidance of the word ‘acting’) from our two Tinseltown titans, between their emergence in the 70s to the late 90s, where both started to fizzle out to soon be replaced by your Vin Diesels and Jason Stathams.

So, without further ado, bring on a range of the two musclemen’s offerings over twenty head-to-head mixed sporting metaphor-laced bouts to once and for all establish who is the ultimate action icon.  Ding ding!

1. Stay Hungry (1976) vs Rocky (1976)

And the contest begins with a ‘no contest’.  Although it’s worth noting that it wasn’t just Sly who won awards in 1976 – Arnie bagged Best Acting Debut in a Motion Picture at the Golden Globes, despite his first onscreen appearance actually having been in Hercules In New York seven years earlier.  Not quite Oscars for Best Film and Best Screenplay, but hey – it was a start!  Er, and a finish as it turned out…

Winner: Sly

2. Cactus Jack (1979) vs Nighthawks (1980)

And the man cruelly named after a lisping cartoon cat (possibly) sails into a two-point lead. Nighthawks isn’t exactly vintage cinema, but it’s a lot better than the Kirk Douglas-starring ‘comedy western’ that Arnie was getting saddle sore on as he struggled to make his Hollywood breakthrough.

Winner: Sly

3. Conan the Barbarian (1982) vs Escape to Victory (1981)

What on Earth was Stallone doing in the cheesy football favourite?  A Bank Holiday staple that’s actually pretty crap – Arnie has no trouble galloping in on horseback to scythe his massive fuck-off sword through the legs of Pele, Caine et al and escape to his own victory seducing virgins and fighting James Earl Jones in a demonic snake pit.

Winner: Arnie

4. Conan the Destroyer (1984) vs First Blood (1982)

But what’s this? ‘Scrapper’ Sly turns the tables on Big Arn’s comeback by introducing his second iconic character in less than a decade, while Arnie buggers up his own potential franchise by going all PG-13 and inviting Grace Jones along for the ride.

Winner: Sly

5. The Terminator (1984) vs  Rambo: First Blood Part 2 (1985)

Possibly the best film in a year of great ones, The Terminator is as iconic as they come. Stallone was firmly cementing his own unstoppable killing machine in the collective consciousness of Reagan-era America at around the same time, but nothing can stop the T-800, model 101.  This despite one James Cameron working on a draft of the Rambo 2 script.

Winner: Arnie

6. Commando (1985) vs Rocky IV (1985)

The Commando DVD was one of the first I ever owned and was feature-light, with merely a trailer included.  After watching them back to back, what struck me was how little the experience of the entire hour-and-a-half movie differed from the two-minute preview; no added depth, no greater understanding of character or story.  But this is in no way a criticism, since Commando is a cheeky and lovable child of a movie that’s impossible to get mad at.  It’s just such a joyful does-what-it-says-on-the-tin romp with pure video game plot (a girl is kidnapped!), action scenes (rejoice as the same three extras get killed again and again by Arnie playing a real-life arcade shooter!) and characters (Dan Hedaya’s generic South American scumbag!  Vernon Wells playing sadistic Freddie Mercury in chainmail!). And I don’t want to get started with quotes as we’ll be here all night.  Rocky IV, despite having a similar juvenile charm in its pre-school politics and lack of narrative structure (at least half the movie is montages), simply cannot compete in the same weight division.

Winner: Arnie

7. Raw Deal (1986) vs Cobra (1986)

Cobra’s treats include the following: a gun with a snake on the grips; Brion Thompson’s demented/hilarious Night Slasher; and Brigitte Nielsen teasing Sly’s character about his girly first name.  But its real strength lies in a never-ending procession of cheesy quips, each mumbled pointedly from the toothpick-chewing lips of an aviators-wearing, stubble-sporting Marion ‘Cobra’ Cobretti:  “You’re the disease, and I’m the cure!”; “This is where the law stops and I start – sucker!”; “You wasted a kid… for nothing. Now it’s time to waste you!”; and who can forget “Go ahead, I don’t shop here.”  Raw Deal, on the other hand, is memorable only for the rare sight of Arnie in a suit and his line “You shouldn’t drink and bake,” delivered upon discovering his drunken wife in the kitchen.

Winner: Sly

8. Predator (1987) vs Over the Top (1987)

Predator has to be the dumbest movie of all time – well, since Commando anyway.  I remember a TV Guide review commenting that ‘It papers over huge plot holes with bloodthirsty violence.’  Naturally, I took this as a recommendation.  Highlights include Arnie’s plan to rescue hostages from a prison camp turning out to be running in with his team and blowing everything up indiscriminately, and the trigger-happy gang unloading all their ammo into the rainforest in a display of tree felling that must have given Friends of the Earth a heart attack.  In the predator we get a truly iconic movie monster; in Over The Top we get Stallone at an arm wrestling championship.

  

Winner: Arnie

9. The Running Man (1987) vs Rambo III (1988)

By the time Stallone had completed his second career trilogy, the character of John Rambo was so far removed from the troubled but resourceful Vietnam vet of First Blood that it’s hard to believe he was supposed to be the same character.  Part three manages to ape the OTT video game style of Commando (we’ve completed the island level and now moved onto the desert), but misses the Schwarzenegger film’s playful sense of humour, the broad buddy-buddy routine between Sly and mentor Richard Crenna feeling awkward and out of place. The Running Man, on the other hand, manages to be funny, brutal, satirical (would you be surprised to see a similar show join the schedules when Big Brother finally shakes its death rattle?) and memorable, and features possibly Schwarzenegger’s worst piece of acting during its deliciously hammy opening helicopter scene.

Winner: Arnie

10. Red Heat (1988) vs Lock Up (1989)

Red Heat was the first of Arnie’s ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if he was paired with…?’ movies.  His stoic Russian officer teams up with James Belushi’s slobbish cop on the streets of Chicago to catch a Moscow mobster; laboured sparks fly.  The kind of film that no one loves, but if you catch it on TV late one night you end up sticking around.  Lock Up has little to recommend other than an early turn by Tom Sizemore and Stallone's ongoing conflict with sadistic warden Donald Sutherland.

Winner: Arnie

And the score at half time is:


Schwarzenegger 6 – 4 Stallone.

See who emerges victorious in part two!