Hot Rod (2007)

Starring:  Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, 

Isla Fisher, Bill Hader, Danny McBride, Ian McShane

Directed by: Akiva Schaffer

Written by: Pam Brady

Duration: 1hr 24 mins

Rating: 4 out of 5

ROD MAKES A MIGHTY LEAP

Comedy is the most subjective genre of them all.  It’s nigh on impossible to tell if you’re going to like one before actually watching it.  Previews are no real indication – are all the funny bits in the trailer, or are they just a hint of the hilarity to come?  Past form is also no real guarantee – I’ve been recommended things that well-informed friends thought I would love that I ended up hating, and the reverse is just as true.

I’ll give you the example of Will Ferrell, who Rod Hot was originally written for.  I love Blades of Glory, but don’t like Anchorman.  I thought he was hilarious in Wedding Crashers, tedious in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.  His work in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back made me giggle, but his role in The Other Guys left me grimacing.  So do I like Will Ferrell movies?  The best answer I can give is: sometimes.

SAMBERG:  FUNNY FACE

Do I like sports comedies, the sub-genre that Hot Rod occupies? Not often.  Dodgeball and BASEketball are classics, but many other attempts, like Balls of Fury and Semi-Pro, are less successful. 

The point I’m trying to make is that there was every chance that I wouldn’t like Hot Rod.  It had been compared in reviews to Anchorman (which most people find hilarious – bafflingly so, to me) in its base of improvisational clowning between four friends, as well as Napoleon Dynamite (the appeal of which eluded me) for its geeky and misanthropic lead.

And yet somehow the elements combined to make Hot Rod one of the most consistently funny films I have seen for a long, long time.

HADER, MCBRIDE AND TACCONE OFFER UP AN
EMBARRASSMENT OF COMEDY RICHES

For a start, it’s chock-a-block with funny people.  I hadn’t heard of comedy troupe the Lonely island – director Akiva Schaffer and actors Andy Samberg and Jorma Taccone – beforehand, but after seeing this I checked out all their spoof music videos on You Tube (personal favourites: Jizzin my Pants, I Just Had Sex and the sublime I’m on a Boat) and am now a firm fan.  Both Samberg and Taccone simply have funny faces; the former especially has me in stitches with the merest change of expression.  They’re joined by an impressive rosta of rib-tickling talent: Danny McBride, Bill Hader, Will Arnett, Chris Parnell.  We also get a hilariously gruff turn from Ian McShane, sweet support from the gorgeous Isla Fisher, and a bizarre bit-part from a character named Richardson that defies description.

ARNETT ADDS ANOTHER TO HIS IMPRESSIVE
ROSTER OF ON-SCREEN ARSEHOLES

Hot Rod’s plot concerns Evel Knievel wannabe Rod Kimble (Samberg), a 20-something delusional loser who spends his free time concocting stunts on his moped that invariably end in hurting himself and impressing no one.  Rod and his half-brother Kevin (Taccone) live with their mother (a game Sissy Spacek) and Rod’s step father, McShane’s Frank, who delights in reminding Rod of what a joke he is.  When the old man has a heart attack that needs $70,000 worth of surgery, Rod decides to jump fifteen buses as a fundraising stunt.

LOVEJOY WAS NEVER THIS AGGRESSIVE

So far, so conventional.  But Hot Rod has a subversive spirit that makes the well-worn premise feel fresh.  Rod isn’t motivated by some saccharine bond or sense of duty, he only wants to cure Frank because if he dies before Rod’s been able to beat him in a fight, then his nemesis will go to the grave still thinking he was a pussy.  “I’m gonna get you better,” Rod tells the smirking Frank. “And then I'm gonna beat you to death!”

It spoofs ‘80s era sports movies, but not directly or cheaply; instead, it uses garish fashions, the funniest training montage ever committed to film, some ace use of cheese rockers Europe and, in a stand out scene, a random group rendition of John Farnham’s You’re the Voice.

In fact, random is a good word to use to describe Hot Rod.  Credited writer Pam Brady is a veteran of South Park and brings with her that show’s anarchic sensibility:  the ‘Cool beans’ sketch is now legendary, but there is also George Michael karaoke to an audience of stuffed animals, a Bill Hader acid trip and much more besides.     

PLEASED TO SEE THAT HULK HOGAN WASN'T LYING
WHEN HE CLAIMED THAT HULKAMANIA WOULD LIVE FOREVER

Whilst I found the randomness of Anchorman jarring, here it really worked for me.  Maybe it’s because I felt that Hot Rod’s central foursome were far more endearing than the shouty, obnoxiousness of the broadly-sketched KVWN-TV Channel 4 Evening News team; maybe it’s because I prefer ‘80s references to ‘70s ones; maybe my expectations were raised too much by Anchorman’s reputation.  Who knows – it’s hard to pin down the exact reason, but in the same way that a joke loses its magic through over-analysis, Hot Rod simply exists, and the world is a funnier place because of it.  ****

Commando (1985)

Starring:  Arnold Schwarzenegger, Vernon Wells, 

Rae Dawn Chong, Dan Hedaya, Bill Duke, Alyssa Milano

Directed by: Mark L. Lester

Written by: Steven E. de Souza

Duration: 1hr 30mins

Rating: 5 out of 5

Commando transcends any attempt at analysis to such a degree that it’s impossible to do this work of art justice by restricting it to a conventional template.  

So, as such, I present to you Commando:  a reviw by poem.

To call Commando 'amazing' would surely be

The truest statement I could ever decree

The tale of a love as pure as fresh water

John Matrix and Chenny, father and daughter

 

Bennett, the fiend, wants to break up this bond

Matrix’s old ally – they once were so fond!

Kill a dictator (or something like that)

Is the vague plan of this moustachioed twat

But Matrix is seething, and exits the ‘plane

(His escort’s “dead tired”, his quip to explain)

Lying to Sully, shrugging off mall cops

And into Cindy’s car our hero then hops.

To rescue Chenny is Matrix’s plan

Fighting a whole army? This is your man!

 

Bennett’s island base is where Matrix docks

War paint he applies and many guns he cocks

And now the massacre has truly begun

Official body count reaching 81

Finally to Bennett to thwart his regime

Homoerotic sparring sure lets off steam

Reunited with Chenny – mission complete!

And Cindy makes three – a new family, how sweet!

So we’ve witnessed carnage way off the scale

Mixed with a touching parental love tale

 

Can any movie match this bold stance?

As Matrix would put it:

"NO CHANCE!"

*****

5 of the Very Worst Horror Remakes

Following on from my five respectable horror remakes feature, here is a list of five of the worst (much harder to round down to this small number).

1.  A Nightmare On Elm Street

The original (1984)

Seven sequels, a TV show, a tribute song by Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince...  all have served to mask the impact of the first he’ll-get-you-when-you-sleep hit.  A genius concept, played with a grim menace but never taking itself completely seriously, the movie gave us one of the screen’s true horror icons in knife fingered Freddy Kruger.  Memorable images came thick and fast: the marshmallow stairs; Freddy’s tongue coming out the phone (“I’m your boyfriend now, Nancy!”); a crop-top wearing Johnny Depp being eaten then spat out by his own bed.

The remake (2010)
As demonstrated by The Amityville Horror and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes, Platinum Dunes can re-imagine with the best of them: crank up the dread, lay on the gore and tie it all together with attractive teens brooding around to an unsubtle string score.  But here the po-faced style falls totally flat.  An Elm Street film needs a careful hand that acknowledges the ludicrousness of its high concept without skimping on the scares – sadly, music video veteran Samuel Bayer manages to make a film about people trying to stay awake as dull as a sleepless night in front of 4am Countdown repeats.  This despite the commendable efforts of Jackie Earle Haley as Kruger. 

 

 

2. Halloween

The original (1978)

A cinematic thesis on creating suspense and mounting tension, John Carpenter’s masterpiece went on to define the slasher genre to this day.  It's up there as one of the scariest movies ever made (alongside The Shining and The Exorcist).

The remake (2007)

Rob Zombie needs to stop making movies before I insert a skewer into my ear and make a kebab out of my brain. And feed it to him.  Witless, charmless, scare-less, hopeless, awful, terrible... and – where's that thesaurus? – ah that’s the one: ‘shit’.

 

  

3. The Fog

The original (1980)

With his second stab (snark) at the genre, Carpenter delivered a good old-fashioned ghost story as a sleepy port town is terrorised by a malevolent mist from the sea.  Eerie, tense, brilliant.

The remake (2005)

One hundred minutes and zero scares – hardly an exercise in value for money.  An ending that stays with you for all the wrong reasons.

 

4. The Wicker Man

The original (1973) 
Ace Brit horror that pitted stuffy Edward Woodward and his traditional Christian values against an on-form Christopher Lee’s gang of heathen pagans on a remote English island.  And it featured Britt Ekland dancing around a bonfire starkers.  Bonus.

The remake (2006) 
Rumour has it that recent Nicolas Cage script choices have been motivated by a need to pay back the IRS – what, the man who made Next, Bangkok Dangerous and National Treasure: Book of Secrets?  This crapfest is the strongest evidence for the prosecution.  The mock trailers on YouTube are, however, hilarious. “Not the bees!”

5. Psycho

The original (1960) 
Hitch reached his considerable zenith with this hugely influential masterwork that cannot be faulted.  OK, the first act could have done with a trim.

The remake (1998) 
A bafflingly pointless shot-for-shot atrocity.  Unlike, say, Dawn of the Dead, everything it adds makes it worse (Norman Bates wanking?).  Vince Vaughan is no Anthony Perkins.  Anne Heche is no Janet Leigh.  Gus Van Sant is no Alfred Hitchcock.

See also:

5 Horror Remakes That Do the Originals Justice
10 Greatest Horror Scores