Following on from my five respectable horror remakes feature, here is a list of five of the worst (much harder to round down to this small number).
1. A Nightmare On Elm Street
The original (1984)
Seven sequels, a TV show, a tribute song by Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince... all have served to mask the impact of the first he’ll-get-you-when-you-sleep hit. A genius concept, played with a grim menace but never taking itself completely seriously, the movie gave us one of the screen’s true horror icons in knife fingered Freddy Kruger. Memorable images came thick and fast: the marshmallow stairs; Freddy’s tongue coming out the phone (“I’m your boyfriend now, Nancy!”); a crop-top wearing Johnny Depp being eaten then spat out by his own bed.
The remake (2010)
As demonstrated by The Amityville Horror and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes, Platinum Dunes can re-imagine with the best of them: crank up the dread, lay on the gore and tie it all together with attractive teens brooding around to an unsubtle string score. But here the po-faced style falls totally flat. An Elm Street film needs a careful hand that acknowledges the ludicrousness of its high concept without skimping on the scares – sadly, music video veteran Samuel Bayer manages to make a film about people trying to stay awake as dull as a sleepless night in front of 4am Countdown repeats. This despite the commendable efforts of Jackie Earle Haley as Kruger.
As demonstrated by The Amityville Horror and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes, Platinum Dunes can re-imagine with the best of them: crank up the dread, lay on the gore and tie it all together with attractive teens brooding around to an unsubtle string score. But here the po-faced style falls totally flat. An Elm Street film needs a careful hand that acknowledges the ludicrousness of its high concept without skimping on the scares – sadly, music video veteran Samuel Bayer manages to make a film about people trying to stay awake as dull as a sleepless night in front of 4am Countdown repeats. This despite the commendable efforts of Jackie Earle Haley as Kruger.
2. Halloween
The original (1978)
A cinematic thesis on creating suspense and mounting tension, John Carpenter’s masterpiece went on to define the slasher genre to this day. It's up there as one of the scariest movies ever made (alongside The Shining and The Exorcist).
The remake (2007)
Rob Zombie needs to stop making movies before I insert a skewer into my ear and make a kebab out of my brain. And feed it to him. Witless, charmless, scare-less, hopeless, awful, terrible... and – where's that thesaurus? – ah that’s the one: ‘shit’.
3. The Fog
The original (1980)
With his second stab (snark) at the genre, Carpenter delivered a good old-fashioned ghost story as a sleepy port town is terrorised by a malevolent mist from the sea. Eerie, tense, brilliant.
The remake (2005)
One hundred minutes and zero scares – hardly an exercise in value for money. An ending that stays with you for all the wrong reasons.
4. The Wicker Man
The original (1973)
Ace Brit horror that pitted stuffy Edward Woodward and his traditional Christian values against an on-form Christopher Lee’s gang of heathen pagans on a remote English island. And it featured Britt Ekland dancing around a bonfire starkers. Bonus.
The remake (2006)
Rumour has it that recent Nicolas Cage script choices have been motivated by a need to pay back the IRS – what, the man who made Next, Bangkok Dangerous and National Treasure: Book of Secrets? This crapfest is the strongest evidence for the prosecution. The mock trailers on YouTube are, however, hilarious. “Not the bees!”
The original (1973)
Ace Brit horror that pitted stuffy Edward Woodward and his traditional Christian values against an on-form Christopher Lee’s gang of heathen pagans on a remote English island. And it featured Britt Ekland dancing around a bonfire starkers. Bonus.
The remake (2006)
Rumour has it that recent Nicolas Cage script choices have been motivated by a need to pay back the IRS – what, the man who made Next, Bangkok Dangerous and National Treasure: Book of Secrets? This crapfest is the strongest evidence for the prosecution. The mock trailers on YouTube are, however, hilarious. “Not the bees!”
5. Psycho
The original (1960)
Hitch reached his considerable zenith with this hugely influential masterwork that cannot be faulted. OK, the first act could have done with a trim.
The remake (1998)
A bafflingly pointless shot-for-shot atrocity. Unlike, say, Dawn of the Dead, everything it adds makes it worse (Norman Bates wanking?). Vince Vaughan is no Anthony Perkins. Anne Heche is no Janet Leigh. Gus Van Sant is no Alfred Hitchcock.
The original (1960)
Hitch reached his considerable zenith with this hugely influential masterwork that cannot be faulted. OK, the first act could have done with a trim.
The remake (1998)
A bafflingly pointless shot-for-shot atrocity. Unlike, say, Dawn of the Dead, everything it adds makes it worse (Norman Bates wanking?). Vince Vaughan is no Anthony Perkins. Anne Heche is no Janet Leigh. Gus Van Sant is no Alfred Hitchcock.
The gap in quality between that remake of The Wicker Man and the original probably equals the gap between Jaws and Jaws The Revenge as the widest between any two related films in the history of cinema. That should be number one here, without actually having seen any of the other remakes.
ReplyDeleteNice blog Jon.
Thanks for reading! I'd probably have to agree with you, and in fact I should have said that the list is in no particular order - sometimes it's hard to rank such true awfulness!
ReplyDeleteGreat read. Thank you!
ReplyDelete