Commando (1985)

Starring:  Arnold Schwarzenegger, Vernon Wells, 

Rae Dawn Chong, Dan Hedaya, Bill Duke, Alyssa Milano

Directed by: Mark L. Lester

Written by: Steven E. de Souza

Duration: 1hr 30mins

Rating: 5 out of 5

Commando transcends any attempt at analysis to such a degree that it’s impossible to do this work of art justice by restricting it to a conventional template.  

So, as such, I present to you Commando:  a reviw by poem.

To call Commando 'amazing' would surely be

The truest statement I could ever decree

The tale of a love as pure as fresh water

John Matrix and Chenny, father and daughter

 

Bennett, the fiend, wants to break up this bond

Matrix’s old ally – they once were so fond!

Kill a dictator (or something like that)

Is the vague plan of this moustachioed twat

But Matrix is seething, and exits the ‘plane

(His escort’s “dead tired”, his quip to explain)

Lying to Sully, shrugging off mall cops

And into Cindy’s car our hero then hops.

To rescue Chenny is Matrix’s plan

Fighting a whole army? This is your man!

 

Bennett’s island base is where Matrix docks

War paint he applies and many guns he cocks

And now the massacre has truly begun

Official body count reaching 81

Finally to Bennett to thwart his regime

Homoerotic sparring sure lets off steam

Reunited with Chenny – mission complete!

And Cindy makes three – a new family, how sweet!

So we’ve witnessed carnage way off the scale

Mixed with a touching parental love tale

 

Can any movie match this bold stance?

As Matrix would put it:

"NO CHANCE!"

*****