Predators (2010)

Starring: Adrien Brody, Alice Braga, 

Topher Grace, Laurence Fishburne

Directed by: Nimrod Antal

Written by: Michael Finch, Alex Litvak

Duration: 1hr 47 mins

Rating: 1 out of 5

I read an article recently in which a famous screenwriting 'guru' stated that a viewer will instinctively decide whether they are going to like a movie within the first fifteen minutes. Suck them in during this opening quarter of an hour and you should keep their interest until the end.  Fail, and you’re unlikely to get them back.

NOT A GOOD OMEN OF THINGS TO COME

Well, I can pinpoint the exact moment during Predators when I realised I was not going to like it.  It was the bit where our disparate gang of mercenaries is suddenly attacked by giant CGI pig creatures.  “Hmm,” I thought to myself. “This is a bit shit. I hope the rest of the film isn’t this bad.”  Sadly, it just kept on producing more and more ‘CGI pig moments' and eventually ran out of time to redeem itself, instead piling on more and more evidence of its true identity:  a lazy belated cash-in of a much-loved classic.

Post-film, I staggered out of the cinema and collapsed on the pavement to violently throw up into the gutter, my body desperately trying to purge itself of what it had just endured. My friend and viewing companion then offered the following:  “Come on, mate, considered just on its own terms it was basically an OK sci-fi action flick.”

WISH I WAS WATCHING STAND BY ME INSTEAD (WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, 

DOES ACKNOWLEDGE THAT IT'S BASED ON EXISTING MATERIAL)

He had a good point, I considered as I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand – it is best to judge things in isolation, not by how they relate to anything else.  But this is no easy feat:  modern audiences almost always start watching a film with the context at least somewhat in mind.  If they’re watching because of a star or director, they’ve considered that person’s reputation.  Genres carry with them certain expectations, as do sequels, adaptations and remakes; not forgetting the hard-to-avoid reviews, pre-release buzz and word of mouth.  Stumbling across something randomly with no prior knowledge of it does still happen, of course (mostly via late night TV), but for most viewers it is extremely unlikely that no frame of reference will present itself.

LITERALLY THE ONLY SHOT THAT REMINDS US THAT WE'RE
NOT IN A MADE-UP SOUTH AMERICAN COUNTRY THIS TIME

My disappointment in Predators comes from a number of factors.  Not only is it a sequel, but also a reboot of a franchise that had been spun off into a ghastly new direction in recent years – finally, an apology for (shudder) Alien vs Predator and (shudder with convulsions) Alien vs Predator: Requiem.  To add to this, producer Robert Rodriguez claimed that this was a follow-up to Predator, not Predator 2, effectively declaring the 1990 movie non-canon and calling this new effort a replacement – bold words, considering the Danny Glover-starrer is still held in high regards by most fans.

Not only is the viewer piqued by all these factors, but it soon becomes painfully obvious that the filmmakers themselves were also hampered by this baggage.  Predators was not supposed to be a remake, it was definitely conceived as a sequel.  But somewhere along the way the homage-o-meter got cranked up so high that what we the ticket-buying public ended up with was an inferior redo.

OUR HEROES – THINGY AND WHATSIT

Seriously, there’s the odd sly nod to the audience here and there, and then there’s outright plagiarism.  Here is a run-down of exactly how Predators shamelessly copies Predator:

Use of Little Richard’s Long Tall Sally.

“What the hell are you?" 

Ol’ painless mini gun. 

A waterfall fall. 

"Over here ... turn around." 

A human vs Predator blade fight, onscreen this time (and crap).

The mud-caked hero one-on-one with predator.

"Kill me! Do it! DO IT NOW!!!" 

"You set us up!"

A log-swing trap.

Excerpts from Alan Silvestri’s original score.

Only one female member of the group, and she’s Hispanic-looking.

"You are one ugly motherfucker!"

The protagonist is left alone with the woman and the wimpiest character at the end; wimpy character gets hurt.

IN THE TRAILER, HE HAD DOZENS OF THESE ON HIM.  WHAT A CON 

I haven't felt this cheated since The Hangover Part II, but Predators is the worse offender by virtue of being connected to a series I hold dear from my childhood.  It isn’t a quick cash-in like ‘Hungover Again’ (as I’m hoping it might someday retrospectively be re-dubbed) – there’s been twenty years since the last stand-alone Predator movie.  New cast, new writers and director – surely that combination of time and fresh talent should have been able to produce more than a total rehash.  Instead it feels like Nimrod Antal was directing with a monitor showing the 1987 movie on a loop next to him.

"HI, I'M LAURENCE FISHBURNE.  I'LL BE RANDOMLY
TURNING UP IN YOUR MOVIE TODAY"  

Antal’s flat direction provides neither horror nor thrills.  The characters aren’t memorable, likable or interesting (the legendary Danny Tejio’s part gets cut into near non-existence). And, in the most predictable of all its faults, there’s not nearly enough gore.  The only bold move it makes is in the casting of Adrien Brody as the lead.  But his one-note performance simply results in the character being your standard cut-and-paste beefcake protagonist; the other out-there casting choice, Topher Grace, sticks out like florescent green blood on a rainforest leaf. 

*SIGH*  HELLO, OLD FRIEND...

One other way we viewers are conned is that we were led to believe that this flick would feature humans facing off with several predators.  The trailer’s money shot is Brody’s littered with dozens of three-dotted laser sights, and the movie’s very name is a plural.  If Predators had followed through with this promise, then it could have been something new and entertaining.  Instead, there are only three or four predators, and never all together, so what we’re left with is a group of humans setting traps and facing off with one alien beast at a time.  Just like in – that's right! – the original Predator. 

DON'T THINK ANYONE FORESAW THIS WHEN WATCHING THE PIANIST

I’m reminded of 2009's excellent District 9, which managed to be highly reminiscent of Aliens, The Fly and Robocop but still felt like something completely new.  Artists can’t help being influenced by and, indeed, stealing from their idols – the difference is if you have something personal to say and stay true to that then you will produce something original.  The only thing Predators has to say is: “Hey, you liked the other film.  This is same same same!  But now now now! So give us your mooooooooney!”

Ugh, I suddenly feel my dinner repeating on me…  *