Doomsday (2008)

Starring: Rhona Mitra, Adrian Lester, Bob Hoskins, David O’Hara, Sean Pertwee, Malcolm MacDowell

Directed by: Neil Marshall

Written by: Neil Marshall

Duration: 1hr 45mins

Rating: 3 out of 5

I love John Carpenter.  So do many other people. Robert Rodriguez, for example.  In his excellent memoir Rebel without a Crew, he reveals that Escape from New York was the flick that got him interested in making his own movies.  And it can seem like Rodriguez has forged an entire career out of remaking his hero’s films:  From Dusk Till Dawn is Assault on Precinct 13 with vampires; The Faculty is The Thing in high school; and he admitted to playing Carpenter scores on the set of Planet Terror in an attempt to replicate the great man’s legendary eerie atmosphere.

CARPENTER:  HERO, LEGEND, MUSTACHE-GROWER

But Rodriguez is no mere copycat hack.  He injects his movies with enough of his own Tex-Mex personality, creative bravado and unique sense of fun that you never feel that you’re watching an unimaginative fan boy copy.

Neil Marshall also loves John Carpenter, and Escape from New York seems to have figured just as heavily in his own gestation as a film maker.  Doomsday's premise is that a near-future Scotland has been isolated from the rest of the British Isles creating a self-contained den of reprobates, and a one-eyed hard-as-nails mercenary is sent by sleazy political types into the forbidden zone on a time sensitive mission.  Yes, Doomsday is essentially a remake of the 1981 thriller; Escape from Scotland, if you will.  Are we seeing the point where tribute crosses the line to travesty?  Is this love begetting laziness?

BUT SHE'S NOT A PATCH ON KURT RUSSELL, OF COURSE

Not quite.  Two things save Doomsday.  The first is that there are just enough differences to make it not completely derivative.  The movie pulls Terminator 3: Rise of the Machine's gender-switch gimmick and makes it work, mostly due to Rhona Mitra’s steely central performance – she’s a kind of British Angelina Jolie (both ladies have portrayed Lara Croft).  The UK setting is refreshing; the sight of soldiers using L85A1 rifles and yelling things like, “Get a bloody move on!” warms my heart with patriotic pride.  The post-28 Days Later viral outbreak plot differs from its predecessor's prison city concept.  There were no cannibals in EFNY; not overtly, at least.  And our heroine, though taciturn and a one-woman army all of her own, enters the fray with a team in tow.

Its other saving grace is that Marshall wears his influences firmly on his sleeve – just as Rodriguez has From Dusk Till Dawn’s Ernest Liu cheekily wear a ‘Precinct 13’ t-shirt, Marshall has the good grace to acknowledge his idol.  This is apparent within seconds, when the opening credits use Carpenter’s preferred Albertus MT font, white text on a black background.  There’s no way Marshall would have a) done this by accident, or b) done this without wanting the more genre-savvy viewer to get the reference.  And just to be totally sure, he actually names a character ‘Carpenter’.  In leaving no margin for doubt about his major influence, I feels like Marshall is rewarding his fellow fans, and the nods and winks made me enjoy the experience more, not less.

 

So, what of the actual movie we’re left with?  Proceedings kick off with an overlong prologue recounting how an outbreak of the ‘Reaper’ virus in Glasgow towards the end of the 20th century caused London to react by rebuilding Hadrian’s Wall in steel to isolate Scotland behind it.  Accompanying footage shows how trigger-happy troops rounded up the poor Scots and left them to fend for themselves, with Marshall demonstrating a gleeful line in '80s-style exploitation gore:  fingers are severed; someone gets shot straight through their ‘the end is nigh’ placard.  Fast forward thirty years to now, and the virus has suddenly popped up in England’s capital.  The weaselly Prime Minister (Alexander Siddig) and crony David O’Hara (a man whose voice is so gravelly you could pave a driveway with it) cook up a plan to send a team across the border to pursue a cure, before the infection can get out of control.

"CHECK THOSE CORNERS..." (ETC.)

Enter Mitra’s Major Eden Sinclair, introduced Bond-style mid-mission raiding a ship hauling human cargo.  She proves handy not only with an assault rifle but in utilising her detachable eye camera, a neat gimmick that makes the obvious Snake Plissken eye-patch reference not quite as tacky.  Once she’s created enough of a tough-girl impression, she’s debriefed by boss and father figure Bob ‘Oskins, who gives her the new assignment, introduces her to her forgettable support team, and off we go.

Once on the derelict streets of Glasgow the distinctly Mad Max-esque feral locals soon show themselves, and then it’s the old Aliens who’s-going-to-be-picked-off-first game, with Sean Pertwee suffering a particularly nasty fate and Adrian Lester surviving to add a bit of Ripley/Hicks romantic tension with Mitra that never goes anywhere.  Our heroine leads the remainder of her team into the highlands where future trappings are abandoned for a visit to Medieval Land, run by a growling Malcolm MacDowell, and a car chase climax that confirms that Marshall watched The Road Warrior as a kid almost as much as EFNY.

 

A TRUE CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST

All in all, it’s not a bad piece of entertainment.  It would be hard to call the film a step forward from Marshall’s first two movies, the excellent Dog Soldiers and The Descent, but he’s daring to make the kind of genre pictures that we rarely attempt in this country and should be commended for his efforts.  The weight of past movies does sometimes hold it down, but ultimately Doomsday has just enough of its own quirks to survive the comparisons.  Let’s just hope that Marshall doesn’t really ape his hero and release an inferior sequel-cum-remake in fifteen years’ time, set on the Isle of Wight.   ***

Marked for Death (1990)

Starring: Steven Seagal, Basil Wallace, 

Keith David, Joanna Pacula

Directed by: Dwight H. Little

Written by: Michael Grais, Mark Victor

Duration: 1hr 33mins

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Every action hero needs at least one movie where he plays someone called John.  With Marked for Death, Steven Seagal adds his name to a roster that includes Arnie (Matrix, Kimble, Kruger), Sly (Rambo, Spartan), Bruce Willis (McClane, Smith), Wesley Snipes (Cutter), Harrison Ford (Ryan, Book) and Keanu Reeves (Utah, Mnemonic, Constantine). 

Yes, here our man plays John Hatcher, DEA agent extraordinaire, introduced bounding through the streets of a Colombian slum chasing a Danny Trejo lookalike.

HOLD ON A SEC...  THAT IS DANNY TREJO!

Hatcher and his partner’s undercover operation in South America then leads them to a strip club (of course) where “the deal’s going down in the back”.  Unfortunately they’re made as American cops, so *crack* *slam* *smack* later and… Seagal’s gone and sliced a guy’s hand clean off!  Perhaps with this movie he’s moving away from breaking limbs and more towards cutting them off altogether, a shift that I would wholeheartedly support. 

INSERT "LEND HIM A HAND " JOKE HERE  

But it’s not all fun and body-mutilation games.  Hatcher’s partner is gunned down by a pistol-wielding prostitute, prompting Hatcher to return to the US and declare to his boss (played by John Carpenter favourite Peter Jason, another random and welcome cameo) that he’s quitting the cop game, then swiftly head to his family home back in the sleepy Chicago suburb he grew up in to reassess his life.

SOME KIDS HAVE SPORTS TROPHIES ON THEIR WALLS.  OTHERS...

That’s right, this is one of those action movies where the leading man vows to put aside his violent ways, and the pony-tailed one duly (and dully) spends most of the first act actively avoiding conflict.  Happily, we are reminded that a retraction of this uncharacteristic pacifist attitude is never far away, not least by the impressive gun collection Hatcher keeps on the wall of his boyhood bedroom.  Holy moly.

Hatcher takes a stroll around the pitch with school football coach buddy Keith David, wherein his old pal brings him up to speed on the town’s escalating drug problem.  Indeed, we intercut with Jamaican dealers trying to peddle crack to the WASP-y student body – including one who looks like a young Hilary Swank.

HOLD ON A SEC...  OH, NEVER MIND

For a while it seems like this is going to be a preachy Just Say No movie, with Steve as Chief Enforcement Officer – sticking his nose in (to wit: “You want some blow?"  “Yeah, I want some blow – put your hands up or I’ll blow your head off.”) but keeping his fists more or less to himself.  That is, until the event that seems to be a Seagal movie staple turns up: the Jamaicans target his family.  This is the line for John Hatcher!

"YOU FUCK WITH MY FAMILY, YOU DIE!"
(WHICH IS ALSO THE FILM'S PLOT IN ONE LINE) 

So he and his equally-vexed mate (no one does pissed-off quite like Keith David) react accordingly:

DAMN...  IF I WAS THOSE JAMAICANS, I'D BE JUMPING
ON THE FIRST PLANE BACK TO KINGSTON 

From this point on, Marked for Death is a succession of action set-pieces, hand-to-hand combat (Steve still breaks plenty of bones, and even graduates to a decapitation!), and quips (“Give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy.  If you don't, I'm gonna fuck you up.”). One particularly effective car chase climaxes with the baddies’ car jumping the curb and smashing into a damn jewellers. 

ONE SOLUTION TO INADEQUATE URBAN PARKING FACILITIES

It’s a shame that the plot is essentially the same as in Hard to Kill – and, come to think of it, Above the Law: Steven’s loved ones are threatened, he retaliates, job done.  But the vengeance is executed in a satisfyingly ruthless manner, especially during a climatic trip to Jamaica, where the tropical scenery makes a welcome change and our hero ultimately atones for any fanciful notion that he would no longer get his hands dirty.  It lacks the humour of HTK, but makes up for it with some top-drawer violence and is an entertaining enough time waster, Mr Seagal delivering exactly what's required of him.  ***1/2

JAMAICAN ME ANGRY... (SORRY, REALLY SORRY)

Coming soon: the final part of my look at early Seagal, Out for Justice!






*UPDATE* 24 January 2012 


Here is as comprehensive a list of action movie Johns as you are ever likely to find:  http://www.imdb.com/board/bd0000122/nest/193240342.
(And I've also since been reminded about Johnny Rico in Starship Troopers.)


See also: 
Above the Law (1988)
Hard to Kill (1990)
Out for Justice (1991)

Hard to Kill (1990)

Starring: Steven Seagal, Kelly LeBrock, 
William Sadler, Frederick Coffin

Directed by: Bruce Malmuth

Written by: Steven McKay

Duration:  1hr 36mins

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

In part two of my look at key thespian of 20^th century action cinema Steven Seagal I’m focusing on Hard to Kill, a title that on paper creates unreachable comparisons to Die Hard, released eighteen months earlier.  In practice, Seagal’s Mason Storm does have a difficultly perishing on par with John McClane, but the movie gives us enough barmy humour and bone-breaking action to stand out as an enjoyable experience of its own.  

NIFTILY DONE

We open in 1983 at a classic action movie location: the deserted dockyard at night. Ominous synth music plays on the soundtrack as a figure creeps out of the shadows, revealed as Seagal at exactly the moment his credit appears on screen – nice touch.  As in Above the Law he’s a cop, here doing surveillance on a dodgy deal between two groups of be-suited gentlemen.

Sleazy senator Vernon Trent (William Sadler) openly admits to planning a hit, giving Storm the sound bite he needs.  Job done, he heads home, but not before stopping off at his local liquor store to pick up some champagne with which to celebrate cracking the case.

THOSE MARATHON RUNNING PLANS
WILL HAVE TO BE PUT ON HOLD

But he’s soon cracking something else – skulls!  A gang of robbers choose the wrong 7/11 to hold up, and soon find themselves in a bleeding heap on the floor, including one snapped ankle (so that’s our first mark on the broken bones chart).  All throughout this evening there have been references to it being the night of the Academy Awards ceremony, and when his colleagues turn up to haul away the perps, one quips, “Looks like you won the Oscar tonight, Storm!” It’s hard to know whether this is meant as an ironic comment on Seagal’s acting ability; I’m not sure how into self-deprecation our Steve is.  Regardless, the Oscar stuff is a random and completely irrelevant addition – and off the wall details like that are always welcome in brainless action flicks, as far as I’m concerned.

So finally Storm pulls up at home, eager to round off a perfect evening of solid detective work and spontaneous violence with a good old romp in the sack. His pouting, negligée-wearing wife greets him and upstairs they go, but first our hero checks on his adolescent son, prompting an unexpectedly long scene of tucking in and saying prayers.  So this guy’s a model father, too, as well as devoted husband, fine law enforcement officer and aikido badass. Hmm, I think I’ve just answered that self-deprecation question.

SADLY THAT'S THE LAST PONYTAIL SHE'LL EVER TUG ON

This harmony can’t last for long, of course.  One minute Mrs. Storm is telling her husband she loves him and tenderly pulling on his ponytail (no joke), the next three shotgun wielding burglars are in the marital bedroom blasting the shit out of them both.  She’s pretty easy to kill, but Steven being Steven takes three or four blasts to the chests and is still able to land a few blows and even break one assailant’s wrist (that’s mark two).  Mason Jr. escapes out the window, and the bad guys leave pops for dead. “Get the tape,” the leader growls, so obviously someone really wants that dockside recording. 

Cut to the hospital, and Storm is pronounced D.O.A (cop dialogue: “Most unstoppable son of a bitch I ever knew.” “Yeah? Well, he got stopped tonight.”). So much for hard to… wait a sec, they’ve got a pulse! Mason’s only gone and ‘done a Jesus’.  In fact, the effect is exemplified when we cut to seven years down the line and find him lying in his hospital bed sporting a beard and long hair very reminiscent of our Lord and Saviour.  In Seagal we trust.

"WHAT D'YOU FANCY AFTER WE WRAP? CHINESE?"
"HMMM... HOW ABOUT THAI?"

Yes, it’s now 1990 and Mason Storm is waking up after a lengthy coma. During this time he’s been lucky enough to be looked after by Kelly LeBrock’s comely nurse.  Now, LeBrock and Seagal were married at the time of shooting, and the movie isn’t exactly shy about this fact.  Within five minutes, she’s referred to him as her ‘cutest patient’, alluded to the generous size of his genitals and, in one spit-take inducing moment, coos to his still prone form, “Would you like a little pussy?” before bringing a tiny kitten into the frame.

... I GUESS THE ANSWER WAS 'YES'

Storm’s barely had a chance to ask who the President is and check how his stocks are doing when a hit man rudely alters his physiotherapy routine by chasing him and LeBrock around the ward with a gun.  Patient and nurse escape, and safely hide away at her convenient country hideaway.

Cue a Mason-getting-back-in-shape montage, cross cut with memories of the life that was shattred seven years ago.  As well as weight-lifting and running up an actual mountain, his regime includes doing some nifty self-acupuncture and hitting a tree repeatedly with a stick, which I can respect.  Then Nurse Kelly interrupts Steve’s bench-pressing by coaxing him into sex by a fireplace that’s in the same room as the gym.  Well, why go to the trouble of lighting two separate sets when you can simply combine them as one?

CINEMATOGRAPHERS APPLAUD

All in all, a bit too much time is spent on Storm’s rehabilitation when what we really want to see is his retribution.  But when it comes, it’s good, delivering the violence and one-liners that we turned up for in the first place.  Along the way, Seagal raises his bone-breaking tally to a respectable seven, gets hold of his signature Colt M1911 pistol, and says, "That’s for my wife – fuck you and die," after ramming a broken pool cue into a henchman’s neck. 

"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW
YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE?"

Top of the food chain in Storm’s revenge rampage is Sadler’s oily Senator, and the best line is saved for him. Throughout the movie, Sadler’s catchphrase has been: ‘...and you can take that to the bank.’  When Storm finally realises that the bent politician was behind that fateful night in '83, he utters the following: "I’m going to take you to the bank, Senator.  The blood bank!”  Sublime.  ***1/2

See also:

Above the Law (1988)

Marked for Death (1990)

Out for Justice (1990)

From Beyond (1986)

Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, 
Ken Foree, Ted Sorel

Directed by: Stuart Gordon

Written by: Stuart Gordon, Dennis Paoli, 
Brian Yuzna  

Duration: 1hr 26 mins

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

From Beyond can be described in one succinct sentence: Hellraiser meets Altered States, directed by David Cronenberg.  Now, if someone pitched that to me I would fight through all the elements to secure myself a copy as soon as possible, and of course the actual movie could never hope to be the sum of such a promising set of parts.  But whilst it doesn’t achieve the perversity of Clive Barker, the grand operatics of Ken Loach or the imagination of Toronto’s finest, there’s enough fun to be had in Stuart Gordon’s sophomore effort for it to be well worth spending an an hour and a half of your life on.

COMBS IS IN FOR A LONG NIGHT

Jeffery Combs plays Dr Crawford Tillinghast in typical Jeffery Combs style: like an outcast from a Hammer horror film, all wide-eyed terror and dramatic outbursts.  He is Igor to Dr. Pretourius, Ted Sorel’s gleefully mugging mad scientist who is obsessively working in the attic on a device to stimulate the brain’s pineal gland, sharpening the sixth sense and allowing access to a parallel universe.  Just like Frank in Hellraiser, Pretourius is a sexual deviant seeking pleasures beyond what our world can offer and, also like Frank, he ends up trapped in another realm.

The plot concerns Tillinghast, psychologist Barbara Crampton (like Combs a star of Gordan’s Re-Animator and whose character arc involves spectacularly going from buttoned up academic to sex-crazed S&M vixen) and cop Ken Foree investigating exactly what went down in the suitably creepy mansion.  Within no time they’re turning on Pretourius’ troublesome ‘resonator’ again and conjuring up all kinds of other-worldly nastiness, not least the return of Pretouris himself, who becomes increasingly deformed and deranged as the movie goes on.

IT ISN'T A SPOILER TO SAY THAT THINGS DO NOT END
WELL FOR EVERY PERSON PICTURED HERE

Tillinghast doesn’t get away scot-free either.  When his head can no longer house his over-developed pineal gland, it bursts out Marlyn Chambers in Rabid-style, sucking a nurse’s eyeball clean out the socket in one particularly memorable scene.

"HUMANS ARE SUCH EASY PREY!"

Based on a H.P. Lovecraft story, From Beyond never really delivers fully on its potential for monster mayhem, a few flying worms, a beast in the cellar and a mutilated Pretourius hissing "Humans are such easy prey!" being all we get.  But it’s never anything less than a good time, and a worthy follow up to Gordon’s better known debut.  ***1/2

Above the Law (1988)

Starring: Steven Seagal, Pam Grier, 
Sharon Stone, Henry Silva

Directed by: Andrew Davis

Written by: Andrew Davis, 
Steven Pressfield, Ronald Shusett, 

Duration: 1hr 39 mins

Rating: 3 out of 5

POST-HUDSON HAWK, BRUCE ACTUALLY WENT
BACK TO WAITING TABLES IN SHAME 

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were the titans of 80s/90s action cinema, battling each other with semi-serious banter for domination of the genre.  In-jokes such as Demolition Man’s ‘Schwarzenegger Presidential Library’ and Sly replacing Arnie on the poster of Terminator 2 in Last Action Hero added to the fun.  Planet Hollywood alumnus Bruce Willis was arguably up there too, not in terms of brawn but certainly emitting comparable star power.

On the next rung of the ladder were the B-listers, stars in their own right but never quite reaching the same iconic status: Jean-Claude Van Damme enjoyed a handful of box office hits like Timecop and Universal Soldier; Dolph Lungren impressed co-starring in the latter and will always be remembered by a certain generation for the likes of Masters of the Universe and Rocky IV.  Apart from the odd breakout project like JCVD or The Expendables, both are still going ‘strong’, in direct-to-DVD hell.

SADLY, TWO 'A'S DO NOT MAKE A 'B'

As is Steven Seagal.  When Under Siege hit big in 1992, Seagal briefly threatened to break into the mainstream.  Unfortunately, he ballsed it up a year later with the dreadful On Deadly Ground, a painfully preachy self-directed ‘issues’ actioner. By the time the fun Under Siege 2: Dark Territory came out in 1995, his star was well and truly on the wane.

Before he did Die Hard on a boat, Seagal made a handful of movies during what is considered his early, brutal period, the promising-sounding foursome of Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death and Out for Justice.  I’ve never seen any of these, and thought it would be enlightening to check out ‘the ponytail’ in his pomp, before he became an overweight parody of himself.  So over the coming months I'll be – ulp! – reviewing all four.

PONYTAIL JUST OUT OF SHOT

But soon we’re in the present day and there’s a BBQ party afoot.  It looks like everyone is a cop, judging by all the middle-aged men with moustaches, plus the fact that a social gathering amongst cops in a movie is always a BBQ (or a visit to a strip joint).  So I’m wagering that Nico is on the right side of the law, too and yep – some here's some dialogue to confirm it.  Oh look, a pre-Basic Instinct Sharon Stone plays his wife, and Pam Grier is his partner, being ogled at by the aforementioned moustachioed cops ("She can arrest me any day!").  Greir mentions a much-coveted transfer to another department, so it’s unlikely she’ll live to see the closing credits.  

HEY, I WAS ENJOYING THAT BBQ! 

Anyway, Seagal hasn’t beaten anyone up yet, but wait, now he’s stopping the car to enter a bar and hassle the patrons, including what looks like Michael Rooker. After roughing a few of them about, Nico heads to the apartment upstairs, where his cousin is shacked up with a slimeball coke dealer.  Once he's finished knocking the unworthy Romeo around, Seagal coerces him into giving up the details of a major upcoming drug deal.  So Steve and Pam set up an illegal wire tap leading to a bust outside a nondescript factory and our first shoot out, which features Seagal driving around with a bad guy on top of his car.

                  

* CRACK! *

OK, so basically the plot ends up being that Nico pisses off the wrong people who retaliate by coming after him on his own turf, including setting off a bomb in his local church mid-service.  The authorities don’t want to help, since the criminals are connected all the way up to the CIA, paving the way for a laboured final reel twist in involving Steve’s old CIA buddy from his Vietnam days, played by the guy who was corrupt Senator Baynard in The Last Boy Scout.

"YOU GUYS THOUGHT YOU WERE ABOVE THE LAW...
WELL, YOU AINT' ABOVE MY LAW" 

Along the way there are some acceptably bone-crushing opportunities for our boy to use his aikido skills, some run-of-the-mill shoot outs and lots of Steve delivering lines in his soon-to-be-trademark laconic style.  It’s OK, but lacks any real wit or energy, and finishes with a speech by Seagal about how no one should be ‘above the law’ that is worryingly similar to his ramblings about the environment in the aforementioned On Deadly Ground. Solid, then, but nothing more.  ***

See also:
Hard to Kill (1990)

Marked for Death (1990)

Out for Justice (1991)