20 Rounds of Schwarzenegger vs Stallone (part one)

They’ve worked with action masters the caliber of Cameron, Verhoeven, McTeirnan, Harlin, Donner and, um, George P. Cosmatos.  But who is actually the best?

During Arnold’s sortie into politics, Sly mounted an impressive comeback with Rocky Balboa (dignified), Rambo (bloodthirsty) and The Expendables (disappointing, but fun). And when you take into account he also has writing and directing strings to his bow, the Italian Stallion obviously has the scales weighed heavily on his side.

But this isn't about range.  My focus here is on performances (note the avoidance of the word ‘acting’) from our two Tinseltown titans, between their emergence in the 70s to the late 90s, where both started to fizzle out to soon be replaced by your Vin Diesels and Jason Stathams.

So, without further ado, bring on a range of the two musclemen’s offerings over twenty head-to-head mixed sporting metaphor-laced bouts to once and for all establish who is the ultimate action icon.  Ding ding!

1. Stay Hungry (1976) vs Rocky (1976)

And the contest begins with a ‘no contest’.  Although it’s worth noting that it wasn’t just Sly who won awards in 1976 – Arnie bagged Best Acting Debut in a Motion Picture at the Golden Globes, despite his first onscreen appearance actually having been in Hercules In New York seven years earlier.  Not quite Oscars for Best Film and Best Screenplay, but hey – it was a start!  Er, and a finish as it turned out…

Winner: Sly

2. Cactus Jack (1979) vs Nighthawks (1980)

And the man cruelly named after a lisping cartoon cat (possibly) sails into a two-point lead. Nighthawks isn’t exactly vintage cinema, but it’s a lot better than the Kirk Douglas-starring ‘comedy western’ that Arnie was getting saddle sore on as he struggled to make his Hollywood breakthrough.

Winner: Sly

3. Conan the Barbarian (1982) vs Escape to Victory (1981)

What on Earth was Stallone doing in the cheesy football favourite?  A Bank Holiday staple that’s actually pretty crap – Arnie has no trouble galloping in on horseback to scythe his massive fuck-off sword through the legs of Pele, Caine et al and escape to his own victory seducing virgins and fighting James Earl Jones in a demonic snake pit.

Winner: Arnie

4. Conan the Destroyer (1984) vs First Blood (1982)

But what’s this? ‘Scrapper’ Sly turns the tables on Big Arn’s comeback by introducing his second iconic character in less than a decade, while Arnie buggers up his own potential franchise by going all PG-13 and inviting Grace Jones along for the ride.

Winner: Sly

5. The Terminator (1984) vs  Rambo: First Blood Part 2 (1985)

Possibly the best film in a year of great ones, The Terminator is as iconic as they come. Stallone was firmly cementing his own unstoppable killing machine in the collective consciousness of Reagan-era America at around the same time, but nothing can stop the T-800, model 101.  This despite one James Cameron working on a draft of the Rambo 2 script.

Winner: Arnie

6. Commando (1985) vs Rocky IV (1985)

The Commando DVD was one of the first I ever owned and was feature-light, with merely a trailer included.  After watching them back to back, what struck me was how little the experience of the entire hour-and-a-half movie differed from the two-minute preview; no added depth, no greater understanding of character or story.  But this is in no way a criticism, since Commando is a cheeky and lovable child of a movie that’s impossible to get mad at.  It’s just such a joyful does-what-it-says-on-the-tin romp with pure video game plot (a girl is kidnapped!), action scenes (rejoice as the same three extras get killed again and again by Arnie playing a real-life arcade shooter!) and characters (Dan Hedaya’s generic South American scumbag!  Vernon Wells playing sadistic Freddie Mercury in chainmail!). And I don’t want to get started with quotes as we’ll be here all night.  Rocky IV, despite having a similar juvenile charm in its pre-school politics and lack of narrative structure (at least half the movie is montages), simply cannot compete in the same weight division.

Winner: Arnie

7. Raw Deal (1986) vs Cobra (1986)

Cobra’s treats include the following: a gun with a snake on the grips; Brion Thompson’s demented/hilarious Night Slasher; and Brigitte Nielsen teasing Sly’s character about his girly first name.  But its real strength lies in a never-ending procession of cheesy quips, each mumbled pointedly from the toothpick-chewing lips of an aviators-wearing, stubble-sporting Marion ‘Cobra’ Cobretti:  “You’re the disease, and I’m the cure!”; “This is where the law stops and I start – sucker!”; “You wasted a kid… for nothing. Now it’s time to waste you!”; and who can forget “Go ahead, I don’t shop here.”  Raw Deal, on the other hand, is memorable only for the rare sight of Arnie in a suit and his line “You shouldn’t drink and bake,” delivered upon discovering his drunken wife in the kitchen.

Winner: Sly

8. Predator (1987) vs Over the Top (1987)

Predator has to be the dumbest movie of all time – well, since Commando anyway.  I remember a TV Guide review commenting that ‘It papers over huge plot holes with bloodthirsty violence.’  Naturally, I took this as a recommendation.  Highlights include Arnie’s plan to rescue hostages from a prison camp turning out to be running in with his team and blowing everything up indiscriminately, and the trigger-happy gang unloading all their ammo into the rainforest in a display of tree felling that must have given Friends of the Earth a heart attack.  In the predator we get a truly iconic movie monster; in Over The Top we get Stallone at an arm wrestling championship.

  

Winner: Arnie

9. The Running Man (1987) vs Rambo III (1988)

By the time Stallone had completed his second career trilogy, the character of John Rambo was so far removed from the troubled but resourceful Vietnam vet of First Blood that it’s hard to believe he was supposed to be the same character.  Part three manages to ape the OTT video game style of Commando (we’ve completed the island level and now moved onto the desert), but misses the Schwarzenegger film’s playful sense of humour, the broad buddy-buddy routine between Sly and mentor Richard Crenna feeling awkward and out of place. The Running Man, on the other hand, manages to be funny, brutal, satirical (would you be surprised to see a similar show join the schedules when Big Brother finally shakes its death rattle?) and memorable, and features possibly Schwarzenegger’s worst piece of acting during its deliciously hammy opening helicopter scene.

Winner: Arnie

10. Red Heat (1988) vs Lock Up (1989)

Red Heat was the first of Arnie’s ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if he was paired with…?’ movies.  His stoic Russian officer teams up with James Belushi’s slobbish cop on the streets of Chicago to catch a Moscow mobster; laboured sparks fly.  The kind of film that no one loves, but if you catch it on TV late one night you end up sticking around.  Lock Up has little to recommend other than an early turn by Tom Sizemore and Stallone's ongoing conflict with sadistic warden Donald Sutherland.

Winner: Arnie

And the score at half time is:


Schwarzenegger 6 – 4 Stallone.

See who emerges victorious in part two!

Enough with the Star Wars References!

So there I was, watching the trailers on a rented DVD the other day.  Amongst the previews was one for the Karate Kid remake, and there is a bit where Will Smith’s Mini Me son says to Jackie Chan, "So you’re like Yoda, and I’m a Jedi."

I was immediately hit with something that’s been bugging me for a while now:  I have had enough of Star Wars.

George Lucus’ universe has been parodied, retold and paid tribute to so often it’s sucked any enjoyment I once garnered from the saga (although where the prequels are concerned that wasn’t exactly hard).

A by no means exhaustive roll call of offenders:

STATING  YOUR RELIGION AS 'JEDI
KNIGHT' WOULD ALSO DO THE TRICK

30 Rock

The funny but never hilarious sitcom's leading lady Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) is obsessed with the saga, admitting "I was Princess Leia, like, four Halloweens in a row – recently!" and donning the iconic garb to avoid jury duty.

Spaced 

The classic geek-com features Simon Pegg as comic book artist Tim Bisely, whose love of the films ensures they are frequently referenced.  His theory of how the gunner on Episode IV’s Imperial ship is key to the plot of the entire series is amiable enough stoned talk, and at least the show dares to present the movies in a negative light when Bisely’s hatred of The Phantom Menace becomes a running gag.

MARK 'WHERE DO I SIGN?' HAMILL

Kevin Smith

Practically his entire canon, including the debate in Clerks about the culpability of the Death Star’s building contractors in Return of the Jedi, to Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back’s very title, not to mention several key scenes plus Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher cameos.

 Robot Chicken 

They devoted a whole episode to Star Wars and outdid Smith by getting Lucas himself to contribute a voice, along with alumni like Billy Dee Williams, Ahmed Best and the seemingly always available Hamill.   An hour-long special swiftly followed.

"I BENT MY WOOKIE!"

The Simpsons 

Although, as ever, they do it with a lot more wit and charm than most ("Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia, and as smart as Yoda").  Naturally, Mark Hamill has lent his voice ("Luke, use the forks!").

Family Guy

Lord.  For a once-funny show that's now completely made up of lazy and random references, it was pretty inevitable that they would eventually disregard original thought altogether and just re-do an entire film – the creative equivalent of the journey from Scream to Scary Movie.  We’ve now been ‘treated’ to feature-length tributes to every part of the original trilogy.  Obi-Wan as portrayed by the creepy paedo guy!  R2-D2 is Cleveland in blaxpoloitation mode!  Morons rejoice.

UGH. JUST... UGH

Video games

A seemingly endless production line of hugely varying quality.  Star Wars: The Old Republic is the latest out the blocks.

George Lucas

All the various spin-offs, tie-ins and re-dos that considerate ol’ George treats us to on a regular basis whenever he fancies adding an extra sandbox to Skywanker Ranch.  Yes, we really needed Jabba digitally added to A New Hope, and boy oh boy is it great to learn more about the period between the two trilogies in The Clone Wars, first a in movie and then a TV series. And what’s this: new box sets comprising the whole saga and Blu-Ray editions, out just in time for Christmas, and a 3D reissue early next year?  Back up that truck, we’re gonna need a lot of sand!

Enough is enough people.  Allow me to set the record straight: Star Wars is a bit of warm nostalgia for those of us who remember when the originals used to be on TV every Christmas or got to see them in the cinema – be it in the late 70s/early 80s or when they were re-released in 1997.  It’s fantasy fun for today’s youngsters for whom the rapid CGI and bright colours are enough of a distraction from the plodding tedium of the new films.

Everyone else – kindly leave the saga alone and stop ramming it down our throats at every opportunity!

*UPDATE* 09 November 2011

I just saw Currys/PC World's painful Christmas TV ad campaign, which features Darth Vader landing his ship in one of the store's car parks and inspecting the staff.  Sounds like James Earl Jones' voice, too – that or a good mimic.  I truly hope the man himself hasn't stooped so low as to sell himself out flogging laptops and vacuum cleaners.

*UPDATE* 30 January 2012

Now it seems Vodafone are the latest to get in on the act, using a CGI Yoda to flog their mobile phone services.  Really, how much sand does one man need??

YAWN... ER, I MEAN... YAY...

From Beyond (1986)

Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, 
Ken Foree, Ted Sorel

Directed by: Stuart Gordon

Written by: Stuart Gordon, Dennis Paoli, 
Brian Yuzna  

Duration: 1hr 26 mins

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

From Beyond can be described in one succinct sentence: Hellraiser meets Altered States, directed by David Cronenberg.  Now, if someone pitched that to me I would fight through all the elements to secure myself a copy as soon as possible, and of course the actual movie could never hope to be the sum of such a promising set of parts.  But whilst it doesn’t achieve the perversity of Clive Barker, the grand operatics of Ken Loach or the imagination of Toronto’s finest, there’s enough fun to be had in Stuart Gordon’s sophomore effort for it to be well worth spending an an hour and a half of your life on.

COMBS IS IN FOR A LONG NIGHT

Jeffery Combs plays Dr Crawford Tillinghast in typical Jeffery Combs style: like an outcast from a Hammer horror film, all wide-eyed terror and dramatic outbursts.  He is Igor to Dr. Pretourius, Ted Sorel’s gleefully mugging mad scientist who is obsessively working in the attic on a device to stimulate the brain’s pineal gland, sharpening the sixth sense and allowing access to a parallel universe.  Just like Frank in Hellraiser, Pretourius is a sexual deviant seeking pleasures beyond what our world can offer and, also like Frank, he ends up trapped in another realm.

The plot concerns Tillinghast, psychologist Barbara Crampton (like Combs a star of Gordan’s Re-Animator and whose character arc involves spectacularly going from buttoned up academic to sex-crazed S&M vixen) and cop Ken Foree investigating exactly what went down in the suitably creepy mansion.  Within no time they’re turning on Pretourius’ troublesome ‘resonator’ again and conjuring up all kinds of other-worldly nastiness, not least the return of Pretouris himself, who becomes increasingly deformed and deranged as the movie goes on.

IT ISN'T A SPOILER TO SAY THAT THINGS DO NOT END
WELL FOR EVERY PERSON PICTURED HERE

Tillinghast doesn’t get away scot-free either.  When his head can no longer house his over-developed pineal gland, it bursts out Marlyn Chambers in Rabid-style, sucking a nurse’s eyeball clean out the socket in one particularly memorable scene.

"HUMANS ARE SUCH EASY PREY!"

Based on a H.P. Lovecraft story, From Beyond never really delivers fully on its potential for monster mayhem, a few flying worms, a beast in the cellar and a mutilated Pretourius hissing "Humans are such easy prey!" being all we get.  But it’s never anything less than a good time, and a worthy follow up to Gordon’s better known debut.  ***1/2

Above the Law (1988)

Starring: Steven Seagal, Pam Grier, 
Sharon Stone, Henry Silva

Directed by: Andrew Davis

Written by: Andrew Davis, 
Steven Pressfield, Ronald Shusett, 

Duration: 1hr 39 mins

Rating: 3 out of 5

POST-HUDSON HAWK, BRUCE ACTUALLY WENT
BACK TO WAITING TABLES IN SHAME 

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were the titans of 80s/90s action cinema, battling each other with semi-serious banter for domination of the genre.  In-jokes such as Demolition Man’s ‘Schwarzenegger Presidential Library’ and Sly replacing Arnie on the poster of Terminator 2 in Last Action Hero added to the fun.  Planet Hollywood alumnus Bruce Willis was arguably up there too, not in terms of brawn but certainly emitting comparable star power.

On the next rung of the ladder were the B-listers, stars in their own right but never quite reaching the same iconic status: Jean-Claude Van Damme enjoyed a handful of box office hits like Timecop and Universal Soldier; Dolph Lungren impressed co-starring in the latter and will always be remembered by a certain generation for the likes of Masters of the Universe and Rocky IV.  Apart from the odd breakout project like JCVD or The Expendables, both are still going ‘strong’, in direct-to-DVD hell.

SADLY, TWO 'A'S DO NOT MAKE A 'B'

As is Steven Seagal.  When Under Siege hit big in 1992, Seagal briefly threatened to break into the mainstream.  Unfortunately, he ballsed it up a year later with the dreadful On Deadly Ground, a painfully preachy self-directed ‘issues’ actioner. By the time the fun Under Siege 2: Dark Territory came out in 1995, his star was well and truly on the wane.

Before he did Die Hard on a boat, Seagal made a handful of movies during what is considered his early, brutal period, the promising-sounding foursome of Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death and Out for Justice.  I’ve never seen any of these, and thought it would be enlightening to check out ‘the ponytail’ in his pomp, before he became an overweight parody of himself.  So over the coming months I'll be – ulp! – reviewing all four.

PONYTAIL JUST OUT OF SHOT

But soon we’re in the present day and there’s a BBQ party afoot.  It looks like everyone is a cop, judging by all the middle-aged men with moustaches, plus the fact that a social gathering amongst cops in a movie is always a BBQ (or a visit to a strip joint).  So I’m wagering that Nico is on the right side of the law, too and yep – some here's some dialogue to confirm it.  Oh look, a pre-Basic Instinct Sharon Stone plays his wife, and Pam Grier is his partner, being ogled at by the aforementioned moustachioed cops ("She can arrest me any day!").  Greir mentions a much-coveted transfer to another department, so it’s unlikely she’ll live to see the closing credits.  

HEY, I WAS ENJOYING THAT BBQ! 

Anyway, Seagal hasn’t beaten anyone up yet, but wait, now he’s stopping the car to enter a bar and hassle the patrons, including what looks like Michael Rooker. After roughing a few of them about, Nico heads to the apartment upstairs, where his cousin is shacked up with a slimeball coke dealer.  Once he's finished knocking the unworthy Romeo around, Seagal coerces him into giving up the details of a major upcoming drug deal.  So Steve and Pam set up an illegal wire tap leading to a bust outside a nondescript factory and our first shoot out, which features Seagal driving around with a bad guy on top of his car.

                  

* CRACK! *

OK, so basically the plot ends up being that Nico pisses off the wrong people who retaliate by coming after him on his own turf, including setting off a bomb in his local church mid-service.  The authorities don’t want to help, since the criminals are connected all the way up to the CIA, paving the way for a laboured final reel twist in involving Steve’s old CIA buddy from his Vietnam days, played by the guy who was corrupt Senator Baynard in The Last Boy Scout.

"YOU GUYS THOUGHT YOU WERE ABOVE THE LAW...
WELL, YOU AINT' ABOVE MY LAW" 

Along the way there are some acceptably bone-crushing opportunities for our boy to use his aikido skills, some run-of-the-mill shoot outs and lots of Steve delivering lines in his soon-to-be-trademark laconic style.  It’s OK, but lacks any real wit or energy, and finishes with a speech by Seagal about how no one should be ‘above the law’ that is worryingly similar to his ramblings about the environment in the aforementioned On Deadly Ground. Solid, then, but nothing more.  ***

See also:
Hard to Kill (1990)

Marked for Death (1990)

Out for Justice (1991)

The Thing (1982)

Starring: Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, 
Keith David, Donald Moffat

Directed by: John Carpenter

Written by: Bill Lancaster

Duration: 1hr 49 mins

Rating: 5 out of 5

The Thing was released two weeks after ET.  Spielberg’s film was a colossal success, whereas John Carpenter ended up with his first flop, only to be appreciated as a cult classic years later.  Now, I don’t wish to take anything away from the $800 million-worldwide grossing heart-warmer, but to prefer ET over The Thing would be a crime against cinema.

GUESS WHICH SHIFTED MORE LUNCH BOXES

With the remake/prequel on the horizon, I found myself re-watching The Thing with half a mind on what it would have been like if it had been made nowadays (I should point out that I’m not against remakes on principal – if they’re good, then that’s another decent film in the world; if they’re bad, then they soon get forgotten and the original doesn’t lose any gloss).  First of all, the cast are so… real.  I’m not talking about naturalistic acting or anything – although they are, to a man, genuine and engaging – rather they look like real people and not a group of impossibly attractive actors reciting technical dialogue. These are scientists who look like scientists; if made today, Wilfred Brimley’s part would probably have gone to a square-jawed hunk like Paul Walker, and space would have been made for one or more teen-pleasing pop star/rapper cross-overs (Justin Bieber? Bow Wow?). 

NOT QUITE THE SAME, IS IT?

They'd probably do something like break up the all-male cast and shove in a token girl, too...


Anyway, Carpenter’s storytelling is as wonderfully economical as ever, with a welcome lack of character backstory – something that goes against the modern trend (see Rob Zombie’s Halloween, or rather don't).  During their DVD commentary, Carpenter and Kurt Russell talk about a history they drafted for Russell's R.J. MacReady, that he was a helicopter pilot in Vietnam reduced to alcoholism by post-traumatic stress.  But all we see in terms of an introduction is the man playing an electronic chess computer whilst hammered on Jim Beam and reacting badly to getting beaten (‘Cheating bitch,’ he mumbles as he pours the rest of his glass into the desktop and stumbles off). Isolated, surly, but a thinker and capable of action – that’s all we need to know. We don’t waste time talking about – or even worse, seeing in flashback – what happened to him before he landed in the Arctic outpost when we could be getting on with a taught suspense story.

"YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!"

The 2011 edition certainly has a lot to live up to in terms of special effects.  Rob Bottin’s work is truly amazing. Instead of trying to design a new movie monster for the ages, Bottin's alien takes human form, delivering a visual assault far beyond the mere zombies staggering around in bloody make-up that this idea would usually suggest.  The imagery is truly disturbing: the creature makes perverse and mocking copies of our familiar form as bodies are stretched and torn into sickening parodies, Cronenbergian flesh monsters that attack in unpredictable ways (chest mouths, spider heads, intestine-like tentacles flicking about).  The familiar has become the alien; and just like MacReady and company don’t know who to trust, we can’t know what grotesque monstrosity is going to assault our senses next.  We even get canine mutilation into the mix, traditionally a big cinematic no-no (all the dogs die!).

A paranoia masterpiece, to be watched late at night, in bed, with the lights off.  *****