The Thing (1982)

Starring: Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, 
Keith David, Donald Moffat

Directed by: John Carpenter

Written by: Bill Lancaster

Duration: 1hr 49 mins

Rating: 5 out of 5

The Thing was released two weeks after ET.  Spielberg’s film was a colossal success, whereas John Carpenter ended up with his first flop, only to be appreciated as a cult classic years later.  Now, I don’t wish to take anything away from the $800 million-worldwide grossing heart-warmer, but to prefer ET over The Thing would be a crime against cinema.

GUESS WHICH SHIFTED MORE LUNCH BOXES

With the remake/prequel on the horizon, I found myself re-watching The Thing with half a mind on what it would have been like if it had been made nowadays (I should point out that I’m not against remakes on principal – if they’re good, then that’s another decent film in the world; if they’re bad, then they soon get forgotten and the original doesn’t lose any gloss).  First of all, the cast are so… real.  I’m not talking about naturalistic acting or anything – although they are, to a man, genuine and engaging – rather they look like real people and not a group of impossibly attractive actors reciting technical dialogue. These are scientists who look like scientists; if made today, Wilfred Brimley’s part would probably have gone to a square-jawed hunk like Paul Walker, and space would have been made for one or more teen-pleasing pop star/rapper cross-overs (Justin Bieber? Bow Wow?). 

NOT QUITE THE SAME, IS IT?

They'd probably do something like break up the all-male cast and shove in a token girl, too...


Anyway, Carpenter’s storytelling is as wonderfully economical as ever, with a welcome lack of character backstory – something that goes against the modern trend (see Rob Zombie’s Halloween, or rather don't).  During their DVD commentary, Carpenter and Kurt Russell talk about a history they drafted for Russell's R.J. MacReady, that he was a helicopter pilot in Vietnam reduced to alcoholism by post-traumatic stress.  But all we see in terms of an introduction is the man playing an electronic chess computer whilst hammered on Jim Beam and reacting badly to getting beaten (‘Cheating bitch,’ he mumbles as he pours the rest of his glass into the desktop and stumbles off). Isolated, surly, but a thinker and capable of action – that’s all we need to know. We don’t waste time talking about – or even worse, seeing in flashback – what happened to him before he landed in the Arctic outpost when we could be getting on with a taught suspense story.

"YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!"

The 2011 edition certainly has a lot to live up to in terms of special effects.  Rob Bottin’s work is truly amazing. Instead of trying to design a new movie monster for the ages, Bottin's alien takes human form, delivering a visual assault far beyond the mere zombies staggering around in bloody make-up that this idea would usually suggest.  The imagery is truly disturbing: the creature makes perverse and mocking copies of our familiar form as bodies are stretched and torn into sickening parodies, Cronenbergian flesh monsters that attack in unpredictable ways (chest mouths, spider heads, intestine-like tentacles flicking about).  The familiar has become the alien; and just like MacReady and company don’t know who to trust, we can’t know what grotesque monstrosity is going to assault our senses next.  We even get canine mutilation into the mix, traditionally a big cinematic no-no (all the dogs die!).

A paranoia masterpiece, to be watched late at night, in bed, with the lights off.  *****